does it matter?

does it matter how i feel when my love ones are happy?
does it matter if i cried all night long, just to make them smile?
does is all matter?
im sick of this. im tired of crying. i just want to go home. 2 c my bed once more. 2 b home, to cry in my room as no one would bother. i want to hug my pillows and feel safe. i dont want to think. i just want to live. im tired. rly2 tired. life doesnt seem great from where im standing. ive cried my heart out. 4 someone how then would leave me hanging by a thread, choking on my own death. what am i? i wonder. do i have a purpose to live in this world. people always say that maybe someday it would turn out great. they lie. dont trust them. not a single word.
life had been easy 4 them. but its not the same. i grew tired of this. this stuff making me wonder on the purpose of my life. make me wonder does death painful? ive been thinking on committing suicide. cutting my wrist and let it bleed all night long. jumping from the 9th floor. head first, smashing my head to the ground. taking drugs. make my head spins around, vomit everywhere. sounds like fun. gosh. what am i to these people? am i just some outsider? when i die, would they remember me? would they tell others memories of me? would they smile when my face appears in their thought? would they cry when i die, and mourn after me? if im there, i`ll be proud. a devil had gone from the face of the earth. and u people should be relieved.




this reminded me of Dost. a friend of mine. a caring and wonderful guy, i love u dear. rest in peace. may god bless u. u would always be in my mind.